


Through the Tides of Oceans

by sweetladybat



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: 19th century AU, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1955655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetladybat/pseuds/sweetladybat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life as a struggling artist is hard on Kili and even when the sea finally returns his long lost brother Fili things don't seem to be getting better.<br/>Sooner than he expected the sea is calling Fili again and Kili has to make a decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kili pressed a piece of charcoal onto the paper. A few black streaks appeared before it made a nasty noise and broke in two. He made an angry and annoyed sound, threw it down and stroked over his face, not realizing he left similar black marks as on the paper. 

“I’m sorry, but that’s it for today.”, he told his model, a beautiful young girl (but weren’t they all beautiful). She got up, exposing her nude body. Often enough he would have taken advantage of it, he had painted whores often enough, some honored enough to be chosen as a model that they’d offer him some free hours. But not today. Not with this girl or the one before her or the one before that one. He couldn’t even fully remember the last girl he’d slept with. And he didn’t really care. Not only inspiration had left him.

She cleared her throat, waiting for him to get up and pay her. He fumbled for a few silver coins and pressed them into her hands. They were so clean and soft compared to his own. Especially his drawing hand had become calloused over the years. 

“When shall I be back?” She tried to make a coquettish face, pursed her lips, but she was too young, not enough what he liked and needed. It made her appear more silly than feminine. 

“I’m afraid you won’t be needed. Thank you for your time.” He forced a smile as hers immediately disappeared. She took the money and left without another word. 

“Great…” he mumbled to himself before he went back to his seat, looking back at his sketches. It didn’t work, nothing about this worked. The longer he looked at it the more he hated it. How could he ever be a painter like that? How could he have ever thought this was a good idea? Anger took over him and he ripped the piece out of his sketchbook, ripped it into tiny pieces and threw them all around the room. He needed to get drunk tonight, really really drunk. 

His feet lead him to the harbor as they did every night. How many months had it been again? He didn’t even remember, enough to count in years at least. Yet he often found himself back here, looking at the men, busy with unloading the ships or loading other things to trade onto the ships to send far away. He had often heard about faraway countries and cities, most of the stories read by his mother as good night stories. As much as he wanted to see them himself the journey scared him most of all. Nothing would bring him on a ship. Just looking at them even from the safety of the shore made his stomach feel shaky and strange. 

He took another sip from the bottle of wine he was carrying and made his way back. He knew one bottle wouldn’t be enough to get him drunk, but he couldn’t get more, not unless he asked his uncle for money. But Kili was too proud to admit he hardly had enough money left to buy food every day. Luckily he had found a very cheap apartment, not far from the harbor. But there were of course reasons it was cheap. For one the location was just right next to a whore house (where he sometimes found models), but the downside were the very thin walls of his flat. Many nights he just couldn’t sleep because of the constant moaning and other noises that he didn’t even want to know where they came from. The inside of the apartment was simple. He had a tiny stove where he could cook, a little table with two chairs, a hard old bed that squeaked when he just moved a little and his corner that he turned into his atelier, a big window opening up to the sky, providing enough light during the day. Not that it was of any use anyway…

He slumped to bed, falling onto it. The sound it made could have meant the end to it, but it still carried him. Not that Kili cared if he had landed on the floor. He drank again, emptying the bottle with one last gulp. Angrily he threw the empty bottle against the wall, trying to pass out on his bed. 

But it wouldn’t happen. He heard the whores outside giggle; shout after some men that they were waiting for them to change their minds. More and more voices turned up, changing into loud moans that could have aroused him, but annoyed him more right now. He turned in his bed, aware of every little sound it made. He put his pillow above his head, trying to drown the noises, forcing himself to rest. It wasn’t like he had to get up the next day, like he couldn’t sleep in as he always did. But this day was special. He had told himself he didn’t remember, but it had been exactly two years since his brother had left. If he had died there should have been a letter, a note, any message telling them, most definitely sending his body back. But nothing happened, nothing appeared.

“Hello, sailor, looking for company tonight?” one of the whores shouted in a honeyed tone.

“Come, gonna give you some extra bonus, sweet sailor,” another one added.

A ship must have landed again, the whores seemed even more excited than usual. They loved sailors, loved their clothes, their hairstyle, most of all their stories of adventures. Adventures that always sounded much more exciting than they actually were. At least that’s what Kili told himself. 

There was a loud knock on his door that made him jump in his bed. He sat up, staring around his dark room. Only a faint piece of light coming through his open window, throwing strange and scary scatters of light against the wall. He almost drifted into a doze again while staring at one flickering light from a candle when the knock came again. 

Making an annoyed sound he threw his blanket back and headed for the door, ready to shout at whoever stood behind it. But as he opened the door and his mouth, every complaint got stuck in his throat. 

He’s gotten smaller or maybe Kili had just grown too much in the last few years. His hair was neatly pulled back in a ponytail, a few strands did escape though and fell around his face. After a few seconds of scrutinizing each other he grinned with a wide smile, the dimples on his face appearing more pronounced than ever. 

“Aren’t you gonna say hello to your brother?” Fili asked, before he pulled Kili into a bone-crushing hug. Kili tried to say something, but only a few stutters left his mouth and he just hugged his brother back the same way. 

“Fee…” he mumbled softly against his ear and Fili softly patted his back. “Yeah, it’s me. I’m back.” 

He let go of Kili, looking at him again with the eyes of a proud elder brother. 

“You have been doing fine? Mother said you moved out shortly after I left. Nice place you got here.” 

Kili couldn’t help but laugh out at that. Fili surely must have tried to just be polite. But he didn’t want to show his brother his discomfort. “Yes… thanks…” he mumbled before stepping aside. “Come in.”

Fili smiled and walked past, looking around the small apartment. Kili lit a candle and Fili gave him a thankful nod while he walked to Kili’s working place. He kneeled down, picking up the drawing pad and looking through a few of his works. Kili flushed as he saw all those were of women, ninety percent of them not wearing anything, some even in very exposing positions. But Fili didn’t seem to care, he put it away again and looked up at Kili. “Those are really good, you are very talented, Kee.” His smile was warm, his eyes honest and Kili wanted to hug and kiss him. 

“Thank you…” he said instead, still a little uncomfortable. Fili came closer again. “I wish I could stay, but I think the bed is too small for both of us and you look tired.”

Kili wanted to protest but only nodded. “Are you staying with mum?” he asked. 

“Yes, until I find my own place.”

“Your own place? Are you staying?” Kili’s eyes widened. Could it really be? He had hoped for his brother to stay so many times and every time the ocean had called for him. “Yes of course. Can’t leave you alone again, little brother. There’s much you need to tell me.” His smile never left his face and Kili just wanted to hug him again, tell him how much he had missed him. He only nodded. 

“Guess you have many more stories to tell though.” 

“We will see about that.” He laughed and Kili realized how much he has missed that as well. “Anyway, will you meet me at mum’s, Kee?” 

Kili nodded slowly. “If you want me to, yes.” He smiled back, he couldn’t help but smile whenever Fili looked at him. 

“Great! She promised tea and freshly baked cookies. Don’t be late for lunch.” He winked before pulling Kili into another hug. Kili put his arms tightly around him, pulling him closer and towering a little above Fili. Breathing in his scent he was reminded of the sea again. Fili smelled salty and fresh, something that Kili hardly smelled, even at the harbor. There the scents of the city usually mixed with the odor of fish and… just harbor. 

When they parted Fili lifted his heels to plant a kiss on Kili’s forehead. “Sleep well, little brother.” He smiled his Fili smile again before turning away. Kili just leaned in the door, looking after his brother as he jumped down the stairs and left the building. Kili knew things wouldn’t be the same again. And they would all turn to the good, he was sure of that. 

 

 

 

 

It had been quite a while since the last time Kili set foot into the house he grew up in. Failing over and over in earning enough money to pay the rent and food had made him stay away, even from his mother. But seeing her again the first time in months gave him the biggest joy and a strong regret that he hadn’t visited her sooner. 

As soon as he arrived she ushered him into the dining room where Fili already sat on a cushioned chair. Fili smiled when his brother entered. He stood up and Kili went to give him a big hug again. Could it already feel as if he had never left? 

“You really have grown, Kee, guess you’ll try to be the big brother here, eh?“ Fili joked and Kili laughed lightly. “But tell me, how have you been? Did you sell any paintings to galleries or rich lords?“ 

He gave him a sweet smirk and Kili suddenly felt something tightening in his chest. What could he tell his brother? He was too embarrassed to say that there hadn’t been any of the like happening. Yes, he did sell a painting or two, but no rich lords would want them, let alone a gallery. There had been an old lady who had wanted a painting of her dead husband (giving him others as inspiration) and who had paid him way above what the painting was worth, but that was it. 

Kili just shook his head lightly. “Let’s not talk about that, Iam _not_ the one with the exciting stories to tell, brother. You promised me.“ 

He tried to sound just as he had when they were little boys and he had wanted something. Of course it worked, as it always had, but just as Fili was about to start their mother entered the room, carrying a big plate with lots of pieces of roasted pork. Kili’s stomach grumbled and Fili laughed. “We can talk after eating.“

Kili only nodded and started hungrily. He even ate twice as much as Fili, who seemed just as starved as him.  


“What have they given you boys to eat that you come here as hungry as bears?“ Dis asked disapprovingly as she put more potatoes onto their plates. Kili just ate his and couldn’t answer due to his stuffed cheeks. 

“Sometimes food could get rare when you’ve been on the open ocean for too long.“ Fili admitted. 

“And you, Kili? Have you lived of air and love?“

Kili looked up at them and swallowed the last pieces of the potatoes. “Yes, Kee, have you found a love?“ Fili smiled warmly at him, his eyes showing a hint of amusement. 

Kili swallowed again, this time of discomfort. Fili had seen his drawings, he must know that it hadn’t been one but several women he had drawn. He shook his head slowly. “Nah, no love for me, well, there is one but it is not one of any physical form.“

“Really? What would that be?“

“My work of course. I could never think of any greater love I could feel for anything.“

Fili nodded. “I know that feeling too well, for the sea has taken my heart a long time ago.“

It made Kili feel uneasy. “But you’re going to stay now? For real this time?“

Fili sighed a moment and stayed quiet, a few seconds too long for Kili’s taste. 

“I am planning to, yes.“ He smiled reassuringly. “I have been away for so long, sometimes a sailor needs solid ground… and a family around him.“ He turned to smile at his mother. 

“I cannot help but feel deeply relieved for you to be back. I was so scared I might never see you again. But everything’s good now. I will tell your uncle of your return, he might have something to do for you. You will need to find good honest work if you want to live on your own.“ Dis proposed excitedly. Her eldest was to stay, of course she was excited to make sure his life was comfortable enough so he’d never leave again.

Fili nodded slowly. “Let’s not talk about this today. I have just arrived last night. I would prefer to rest a few days before I get back to the real world.“

Kili didn’t really know what he meant with it, but he didn’t ask either. He just finished his meal, watching his brother as he kept talking to his mother until he finally did start with a story about his adventures.

 

 

 

 

 

Two months passed without anything special happening. Despite Fili being back Kili hardly saw him. Thinking about it now, it didn’t really make a difference that he was back. Uncle Thorin had apparently greeted Fili with open arms and never fully let go, leading Kili back to his lonely life in his tiny little flat. 

The only thing that was happening here was Kili’s constant struggle to do anything productive. He had started using his left hand, it wasn’t the same of course, and he feared drawing any women, knowing he’d fail and lose any potential models. He always told himself it was just the clumsiness and the longer time it took him to finish anything that kept him from asking any of the whores to model again. In reality it was mostly his fear of Fili coming by and seeing him. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much. Fili knew his brother wasn’t an innocent angel and he did check out any new drawing or scribble Kili finished whenever he so graciously came on one of his rare visits. 

As if some God had heard him there was suddenly a knock on the door. Still, Kili started and almost drew a mustache on the goddess he was painting. He quickly put his brush down and hurried to the door. It was Fili of course, his smile bright as always.

“I brought scones and marmalade,“ was his greeting, as he walked past Kili into the tiny flat. 

Kili just shook his head. “Hello, to you, too.“ he chuckled.

Fili walked over to the old table and started unpacking all the goods. “I hope I’m not disturbing you, I thought since it looks like rain you might stay inside… and want something to eat.“ He scrutinized Kili. “You should eat more, you’ve gotten so thin.“ 

“I can take care of myself, mum,“ Kili mumbled as he sat down on the chair in front of Fili. He hated being reminded of how poor he was. Fili had asked him a few times if he needed money, food, any help. But Kili had refused every time. Fili’s money was Thorin’s money and Kili wouldn’t take that. 

“You know…“ Fili started, but Kili interrupted him.

“Don’t start, I know what you’re gonna say.“

Fili paused. “All right…“ He looked around himself. “You started a new one? What is it this time?“

“Ah, just some myth. I felt like it.“ 

Fili got up slowly and walked over to the painting. “She’s beautiful. Any model from around here?“ he smirked.

Kili made a face. “Nah, tried to draw you, thought with your female features I could give it a try.“

Fili laughed out. “Good one, brother.“ 

Kili had already started to eat hungrily when Fili decided he had admired the painting enough and sat down to join him. “Maybe I should come over more often.“ 

Kili just shrugged. “If you want to. After all I could use a model.“

“What happened to your other models?“ Fili frowned.

Kili just shrugged again. “Dunno, I don’t want to draw them anymore I suppose.“

“What happened? It’s not out of embarrassment because most of them are whores, is it?“ Fili teased. 

“All of them.“ Kili rolled his eyes lightly.

“Hm?“

„All the women I painted were whores.“ Kili admitted slowly. Fili looked back at the painting again and nodded lightly. “I see.“ Something in his face changed that Kili knew all too well.

Kili sighed and shifted a little uncomfortably. “Come on, Fee, don’t give me the big brother lecture about it. I can’t afford any fancy women and the whores come in cheap and not blushing or flustering if I stare at their tits for too long…“

Fili looked at his brother and laughed. “Oh I can imagine the sight of it. Little Kili staring at some whore’s breasts for too long pretending to draw them.“ He grinned widely.

Kili snorted. “I don’t pretend and I bet I’ve seen more than you!“

Fili went quiet immediately. Did Kili anger him? Or did he embarrass him? Fili didn’t say anything for a while, an uncomfortable silence floating around the room.

“Suppose you’re right about that.“ 

Kili just stared at his brother and suddenly a thought came upon him: what if Fili had maybe never ever seen a naked woman or lay with one? They were bad luck on a ship after all, spending years on the open ocean with only the male crew surrounding him… Another thought occurred to him but he quickly let it pass.

They quietly finished the scones, sitting together in a more comfortable quiet for a few minutes until Fili broke the silence finally. “Uncle’s been asking about you…“

Kili could have groaned. “So what?“ he snapped, sounding more annoyed and angry than he actually was. It wasn’t Fili’s fault that he and Thorin couldn’t speak to each other anymore. At least Kili couldn’t look into his uncle’s eyes anymore.

 

“He’s concerned about you, Kee. We all are,“ he added quickly. Kili just rolled his eyes. “And what? Does he want me to become his slave like you are now?“ he said angrily and regretted it immediately at Fili’s hurt expression.

“No, Kili. He’s just… worried. Because of your work.“

“Have you told him anything?“

“Of course not, Kili, I would never do that, not without your permission.“ 

Kili nodded quietly, anger growing within him again. 

“What happened between you two, Kee?“ Fili’s voice sounded so concerned and soft that Kili almost gave in.

“That’s none of your concern,“ he quickly replied before he could get weak and blurt out everything he had wanted to tell his brother for years. He remembered the letters he wrote to Fili but never sent since he never knew his exact location. Fili could never know about the stupid letters of a young boy, fighting for what he thought he was meant to do for the rest of his life. 

Fili just sighed and stroked over his face, his curls falling into his face. 

“Of course it isn’t. It’s not like you’re my only brother.“ He got up, packing the plates and knifes he brought along back into his basket. 

“I don’t want you to suffer, Kili. But you do, I know you do. I see it in your eyes.“ To underline his statement he looked Kili directly into the eyes. Kili just stared back at the blue. _‚Like the sea he loves,‘_ he thought. 

“Why don’t you trust me? What are you afraid of?“ Fili moved closer and Kili just wanted to get away.

“Please, Fee… stop asking me this.“ He didn’t want to talk, not now, not to Fili at this moment. Where had he been when Kili was at his worst? When he had cried himself to sleep every night. 

Back then before Fili left they had been closer than anyone else, telling each other every secret, every wish, every dream. But now, grown and living such a poor life Kili felt stupid and like a failure, knowing had he not been fighting with his uncle he could life a much better life… A little like Fili’s current one. 

He didn’t want Fili to know, not now or ever. Fili who had always been their uncle’s favorite and had had absolutely no pressure in the issue of his life or profession whatsoever. Fili who had charmed anyone even as he was a little boy. Fili, whose life seemed so terribly easy compared to Kili’s. 

Fili sighed. “As you wish… But promise me something. Don’t go on like that. Let me pay the rent for you… in advance. Three months? Will that be enough so you can get your energy back?“

Kili blinked in confusion. “Energy…? What are you talking about?“

“I mean that you should eat. Good food is important. Hell, Kee, I’ve seen people die of starvation! I do not want to watch my brother go through the same, especially since there is no need! Promise me that if after those three months, if you can’t pay for the rent and food, that you ask uncle to help you out. Or ask mum. But don’t go through it all by yourself. Promise me.“

Was there anything other he could say than yes? Kili nodded slowly and sighed. “All right. I will.“ 

Fili smiled. “Good. I should be heading back. I have to prepare some things.“

“Prepare what?“ Kili asked confused.

“I… may be traveling again.“

Kili felt like being slapped. “Wha.. what?“

Now he felt like being stabbed. Fili hadn’t thought it was necessary to tell him? Just some casual ‚oh, I need to prepare something‘?

“Please tell me… you’re not serious…“ Kili stammered. “Fee… this can’t be…“

Fili just didn’t look in his direction. “You stayed! For months and you promised you’d stay! How can you leave again??“

Tears filled his eyes and Kili blinked them angrily away.

“I never promised to stay forever… I tried, but I can’t. I got an offer at the harbor. And the sea is calling me again, brother. You can’t understand that, it’s never been part of you. But for me… as we said months ago, it is my love. I will never have another wife.“ 

Kili just laughed out, a bitter hollow sound. “Wife? Do you even hear what you’re saying? Married to the sea! You’re stupid, you know that? So incredibly stupid! Then go, go and never come back, I don’t want to see you again! You were here for months and I hardly saw you. What difference does it make if you’re somewhere on a boat or here. Just make sure you don’t come back.“

Kili got up and walked back to his painting. “And be sure to close the door behind you.“

He didn’t want to turn around. He knew of the expression on Fili’s face and he couldn’t bear to look at it. 

Everything turned to shit. He couldn’t draw anymore, he couldn’t fuck his pain away, he couldn’t even pay for drinks. And then Fili would leave again. Yes, he hadn’t seen him that often, but the knowledge he was here, save and Kili had had the chance to just go into town and find him, had made him happy enough. 

“Kee…?“ 

Kili ignored the voice. “Kee?“ Fili tried again but Kili kept on painting stubbornly. 

“Since when are you left-handed?“ Fili reached out to take Kili’s right hand and Kili flinched in pain, pulling his hand away quickly. Even a soft touch hurt by now. He stared up into Fili’s concerned eyes. “What is wrong with you, Kili?“

He didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt Fili’s soft hand wipe the tears off his cheek. “Shh… Kee… don’t be like that…“ Fili soothed as he pulled him closer. 

Kili tried to fight, tried to kick and push Fili, but he just gave in to the hug. Fili pressed him hard against his chest, arms stroking over Kili’s back and through his dark curls. Kili bit his lip so hard it almost bled, trying to contain any more tears, but it was no good. He pressed his face hard against his brother’s shoulder and started sobbing like his five year old self. He felt so vulnerable, so broken, so hurt. After a while he was even too weak to stand, pulling Fili with him to the ground, as they sat there, clinging to each other. He felt safe and protected in his brother’s arms.

Kili didn’t even realize how Fili dragged him to his bed, pushed him down on it and put the blanket on top of him. He only realized the next morning when he woke up, that Fili was gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) And a very big thank you to my beta's hiddlespeare and dandelionpower, you're the best! :D
> 
>    
> Basically the story happened after I stared too much at this gifset   
> [Durin Period AU](http://http://sweetladybat.tumblr.com/post/59188473950/sweetladybat-durin-period-drama-au-the/)
> 
> I also made a video about Fili and Kili being reincarnated and in different times, one set in the 19th century, so if you're interested you can watch it here:  
> [I love you](http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx1CEtIAYQw/)
> 
> and a gifset just about this particular time period   
> [Period Time AU 2](http://http://sweetladybat.tumblr.com/post/84822213607/fili-kili-period-drama-modern-whatever-i/)
> 
> That's enough to get you in the mood hopefully, see you soon with chapter 2! :D


	2. Chapter 2

A week passed before Kili could even realize what had happened. A bottle of wine being his constant companion he hardly did anything apart from lying in his bed. Was Fili truly gone already? But what did it matter anyway. He’d stay here, in his little apartment, his hand and head burning as if the fire from the hearth had spread to his body.

The first night after Fili had left him alone, Kili had thrown all his charcoals, pencils, paint as well as the canvas across the room. He had ripped up old works he’d never liked, but kept in his sketchbook out of nostalgia, and burned some of them, watching the flames feed on all that he had worked on for so long. The crackling fire didn’t calm him but only stirred his anger and disappointment.

When he woke up the following morning, surrounded by destroyed and burned artworks, angry at himself, he wanted to break more things, but in the end he just curled up on his bed and cried.

It was the final straw — he had lost all the energy to work. Or to live. He even felt too weak to get up and fetch himself something to eat. Thank god he had a few cheap bottles of wine still left in the cupboard. He cringed as he remembered that he actually stole some the last time he was home. He was such a terrible son…

But not as terrible as Fili, because at least he was still here, staying where he belonged. Kili wasn’t risking his life every day the way Fili was. Storms, starvation, getting lost, yes even pirates could be a cause of death for a simple sailor. Fili was no fighter, he wouldn’t be able to defend himself if it came to this. 

Kili groaned and threw the bottle against the wall. Why did he have to keep thinking about Fili? He hadn’t thought as frequently about him in all those years apart, but now Fili was in his thoughts every minute of the day. 

“Asshole,“ Kili mumbled under his breath and shielded his eyes with his palms. His anger was fading, had maybe faded days ago, after his first big outburst. Now he only felt regret. Regret that he had let Fili leave this easily, that he hadn’t fought harder for him to stay, visited him every day to beg him to reconsider, to just stay another month or two. 

And maybe it wasn’t too late.

Even though Kili had been angry and said things to Fili he now regretted, Fili wouldn’t have just left without saying goodbye. Fili had always been so patient with him. Kili could shout and scream how much he hated his brother, but Fili would always just look at him knowingly. Yes, he always knew that no matter how angry Kili was at his big brother, he had always loved him more than anything else in the world. 

And he still did.

Regaining his energy, Kili got up and was out the door seconds later. He didn’t dare look into the mirror, there wasn’t any time to fix his disastrous look anyway. And he had to look terrible after a week of neither washing, nor shaving, nor changing. 

 

 

It took him 15 minutes of hectic strides to arrive at his mother’s home. He knocked on the big front door. Imagining that he actually belonged here, at least in a way, seemed like a joke. He looked much more like a peasant than any of the people half living on the streets at the harbor. 

A maid opened the door for him, a little confused, maybe not recognizing him at first. Or not recognizing him at all. But Kili didn’t care and just strode past her after a short greeting and headed up the stairs to Fili’s room. His old room and his new room. 

Kili knocked once shortly and entered, only to find the room empty. He frowned and looked around, confusion soon replacing relief as he saw most of Fili’s belongings still in place, the room still looking like someone lived here. He turned back to the maid who had followed him. 

“Excuse me…,” she cleared her throat. “Master Fili is still at work.”

Kili could only open his mouth in a short “Oh.”.

It took him a few seconds before he had his thoughts arranged again. “And… my mother? Where is she?”

“Oh, milady is having tea with her friends. She should be home later.,” she paused and scrutinized him slowly. “Would you like to wait for them?”

Kili nodded. “Yes, please.”

“I shall bring you some tea and something to eat.” She hurried away. Kili wondered if he maybe smelled so bad that it made her flee. There wasn’t a chance for him to change that, he didn’t have enough patience to take a bath now. So he just followed her downstairs and sat at the dining table. 

He only poked at the food she presented to him at first, but soon his hunger took over and he ate everything up in no time. 

 

 

Kili was woken by the ground softly shaking. He looked up sleepily, rubbing his eyes, only to see Fili sitting on the sofa and smiling at him. “Tired?” he asked softly. 

Kili needed a few moments to realize where he was. He must have fallen asleep while waiting for him. Slightly embarrassed Kili sat up straight and stroked through his messy hair.  
 “Seems so. Was waiting for you…” Now that he could look him straight in the eyes again, Kili’s courage faded again. He wanted to beg for his brother to stay, every part of his body needed Fili to be around, to be close. But his mind told him not to beg, told him to be stubborn and not embarrass himself.

“So…” Fili finally said quietly. It wasn’t a question, but the word hung in the room for a while until Kili just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.  
 “Don’t go, please don’t… You said you’d stay, you promised me you’d stay! You’re my big brother, I… I need you!” Kili’s voice got louder with every word and much more emotional until he was close to tears. “Please, Fili, please!” He bit his lip hard, succeeding to hold back the hot tears burning in his eyes. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Fili’s chest. Fili gently wrapped his arms around Kili’s shoulders. Kili inhaled deeply and couldn’t keep a sob from escaping, more following quickly as the dam had been broken. 

“Shhh…” Fili whispered soothingly. But it didn’t help Kili, he only sobbed louder and dug his fingers deeper into his brother’s shirt. 

Inhaling his brother’s scent, Kili realized why Fili couldn’t stay. Kili knew nothing of what it was like out on the sea, the freedom, the wind, the air… but he knew the scent that had hung on Fili the day he returned. He had smelled of the sea, the salt, the freshness and something that was hard for Kili to put a word to. That was all Kili identified with the sea. And that was all Fili. 

But now that scent was gone. Fili smelled like any other person from the city. Smelled of dirty harbor, of smoke and soot. Fili must have suffered so much being here in this sticky crowded place, unable to breathe.

Kili understood now, there was no way for Fili to stay. He’d lose a part of himself and Kili couldn’t stay selfish and keep him from being himself. Fili didn’t belong here, not that Kili did, but Fili wouldn’t find his fortune here. Maybe it was this moment that brought him to the decision to let him go.

Slowly Kili parted from Fili to look at him. He had dark circles around his eyes, his hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. He must have only just returned from work, not even finding the time to change, take a bath or probably even eat.

Fili waited with his usual patient big brother eyes for Kili to be fully calm again until he invited him to come and have dinner with him. Their mother would return much later and so the two brothers sat at the table eating dinner in silence. Even though his appetite was still lost to him, Kili ate a lot as the food was delicious as always. Fili kept looking at him every now and then, a worried expression on his face that made Kili just more uneasy.

“Please, stop it, Fili,” Kili finally said, putting the fork and knife on his plate quietly. Fili just sighed. 

“I was just thinking…”

“What?”

“This and that…” Fili replied and Kili just frowned.

“That sounds very promising, brother. Would you please speak to me in a way that I can understand?” Kili sounded angrier than he had intended, but Fili just looked away guilty, giving Kili the feeling that his question was justified.

“I was just thinking about my travels. I didn’t leave yet… as you can see. I didn’t even speak to our uncle about it. He did me a great favor by letting me work for him, I would not want to abuse this. On the other hand, I just can’t stay. I need to go back out there.” Fili sighed lightly, playing with a pea on his plate. The next words seemed harder on him, like he had thought them through over and over again in his head but it just wouldn’t get easier to speak them out loud. “What if you were to come with me, Kili? I know you don’t want me to leave, but if we leave together you wouldn’t be alone and neither would I.” 

He smiled softly, relieved to have gathered the courage to say it and looked up at Kili expectantly. 

Kili just stared back and felt a little sick, as he felt his heart sink a little in his chest. He had always hated shaking ships and felt seasick just looking at them. No way could he ever travel on a boat or ship, especially on a longer journey that wasn’t necessary, a journey that he’d be going by choice. 

Kili shook his head lightly. “I don’t know, brother… I can’t, really.” He swallowed hard. 

Fili just sighed knowingly. “It was just an offer. Maybe… a dream of mine to share what I love most with the person I love most.”  
 Kili smiled softly as he looked into Fili’s eyes again. “Love most, eh? More than you love mother?”

It caused Fili to chuckle lightly. “Maybe. Who knows, brother?” His eyes softened as he kept looking into Kili’s, making him blush a little and then feel silly. It was his brother, why should he be embarrassed? He just sighed softly, escaping his brother’s gaze, but seconds later felt Fili’s arms move around his neck and pulling him to his chest. When had he crossed the distance between them?

“Of course I love my little brother more than anything in the world,” he whispered. “That is why I want you with me, I don’t want to leave you behind again. I want to share my adventures with you. Just like we did when we were children. We always dreamed about going on adventures together, fighting monsters, rescuing princesses. Just as in the stories mother used to read to us.”

Kili nodded slowly. “Yes… I miss those times.” But he still couldn’t bring himself to agree. Not yet. He didn’t fear monsters or adventures. But he feared the open water. And yes, maybe he feared what lay beneath, things nobody had ever seen or could imagine. 

“What else do you dream about, brother?” Kili whispered. It had been so silent, he feared the sound of his voice could be disturbing the peace between them. 

Fili took a few moments to think about it, slowly moving away from the embrace. Kili barely managed to stop himself from shuddering when the warmth of his brother’s body left him. 

“I dream of having my own ship, traveling where I want to go, not where I must. My own ship would give me that sort of final freedom… maybe the freedom I’m looking for,” Fili said, meeting his brother’s eyes. “And you, Kili? What are you dreaming about?”

Kili thought for a moment. “I don’t know to be honest. I dreamt of being an artist everyone would admire, drawing a masterpiece that would survive through generations… but then I seemed to stop caring.”

“Does it have something to do with…?” Fili started hesitantly.

“No, my hand has nothing to do with it, maybe it’s just part of me working too hard. No, my real dream was to have you back, to be a family again, not… this shattered thing that is left of it. Before you came I hadn’t spoken to uncle in a year and mother in at least three months. It’s like everyone left when you did.”

He could see sadness in Fili’s eyes and it made him even more uncomfortable. He didn’t want pity or any of the like, so he quickly added: “But maybe I was just too busy with my work to really visit any of them. Just like you were, I mean, you didn’t just sit on the ship doing nothing all day… did you?”

It worked, Fili’s eyes lit up a little and then he let out a quiet laugh. “To be honest there were times where I had nothing to do and just lay on the deck soaking in the sun. Though often I couldn’t really enjoy that, for it was too hot.” He smirked.

“And what else did you do, other than lie around getting a sunburn?” Kili asked, now more curious.

“Oh, there was always work to do. Of course keeping the ship clean, repairing any damage a storm may have left and making sure on slower days that it was kept in best condition. There were other things to do, like setting the sails, staying on course. And we could work with scraps and pieces that were left over from repairing the sails or ships, carving little ships and putting them into bottles. Things we could gift others or even sell when we hit land.” Fili began to sound dreamy as he was thinking more and more of that life. 

It made Kili feel miserable. Who was he to keep Fili from something that clearly made him this happy? Deep inside he knew that maybe the decision had been made long before he spoke. It had happened many times during this day that had made it clearer to Kili that he wouldn’t want to be parted from Fili again, that being apart was a much bigger burden than stepping on a ship. 

“Brother…?” he started slowly. “Do you promise to take care of me? … When we are on the sea and I’m feeling miserable and sick?”

A smile spread across Fili’s face, first lighting up his eyes and then his whole face began to beam like a lighthouse. “Of course I will, Kee. I will always take care of you.”

“And I want one of those ships in a bottle.” Kili added. Fili just laughed out and nodded eagerly. 

 

 

The next day Kili spent most of his time packing his things. He’d take paper and charcoal, but no canvas he decided. It would take too much space and he couldn’t paint on a ship anyway… if he ever even got time to do anything else than throw up. He was still scared of what might come, but he was more determined than ever to give it a try. He had nothing to lose with Fili by his side.

All of his other belongings would be brought to his mother’s. Fili was supposed to arrive soon to help him with that and they were to leave in the morning. 

Sometime later there was a knock on his door and he opened happily to let Fili in. He hugged him in greeting, but then stopped to take another look. 

“What is the matter, Fee?” Kili asked hesitantly, somehow he had the feeling he didn’t want to know the answer.

Fili just moved past him to sit down on the bed. “I spoke to uncle Thorin today. Telling him I would quit my work and leave… along with you.”

“Why would you do that?” Kili sighed. “You should have known he wouldn’t take it well.”

“I couldn’t just leave, Kili. I still worked for him and got money from him. He would have sent someone after me had I just disappeared, thinking I had been kidnapped maybe.”

“And what did he say to you?” Kili asked, slowly moving to sit beside his brother. 

“Just… that I would never inherit anything if I left and especially if I took you with me. It’s not like I need anything if I work on a ship again, but it sounded… nasty.”

“I know those talks, Fili. I had them many times before with our uncle. Why else would I not speak to him? You won’t let him make you stay here, will you?”

“Of course not.” Fili looked almost scared of the thought of having to stay. “The decision has been made.”

“Then quit being the good nephew and help me carry my things to mother’s house.”

Fili nodded and got up to carry a canvas, brushes, anything that Kili put into his hands. They had to walk as Kili couldn’t afford a carriage to carry them and Fili didn’t want to spend the money he had saved over the past weeks. Kili had already given his keys to his landlord and said his goodbyes, if and when he returned he’d just find a new home, maybe one together with Fili. He side-eyed Fili. Would they ever truly return? Or would they from now on live on ships on the open sea? Kili dreaded that thought, being forever on a moving ship, never on solid ground. But they could travel on land once they reached it. Kili was sure they would find enough adventures, not only on the sea. Maybe even places away from the sea that Fili could enjoy. 

 

The first surprise came when they reached their mother’s house. Standing outside the main entrance, towering above them, stood their uncle Thorin, his expression grim and threatening. Kili felt the same stubbornness that always crept in him when he looked upon that stern face. He just felt the need to rebel and disagree with whatever Thorin would say. 

But one look at Fili and he knew this might be harder than he expected. Fili seemed to sink into himself, become even smaller and appeared as if any word of his uncle’s would make him obey immediately, even if it meant crushing his dreams and working for his uncle until he was just as grim, just as joyless. 

“Wha… what are you doing here, uncle?” Fili peeped, his voice sounding much higher than usually. 

“Warning you against any stupid decisions your brother might have put into your head.” Thorin replied emotionless.

Kili got angry. “I didn’t put anything into his head! Fili isn’t your slave, you cannot think you can force him to stay here forever! He is a free man to decide as he pleases!”

“Quiet!” Thorin’s voice growled. “Look at yourself and tell me you know well what is right for someone and what isn’t.”

Kili felt tears of anger fill his eyes and he blinked them away quickly. “But you know it? What do you know about us? What do you know about having a child or raising one?”

He was sure had he stood in front of Thorin, he’d have slapped him. Despite everything Thorin remained calm and his expression changed from the greatest anger to emotionlessness within seconds. It looked so eerie to Kili, he had to shudder. 

“If you leave, you can just as well stay… wherever you’re going. Just go, don’t bother coming back. I will tell your mother what you did.” 

The threat didn’t miss its target. Kili saw Fili inhale deeply, his older brother was so close to breaking down, he could see it. How did his poor brother ever leave in the first place if a fight like this happened anytime one of the brothers disobeyed their uncle?

“We just want to leave these and then we’ll be gone.” Kili spoke through gritted teeth pointing to what they were carrying. He was sure the canvas, all the things he’d leave would be destroyed once he returned. But he couldn’t take them and it was a small sacrifice for standing up to his uncle once again. 

“Do whatever you want, but remember the consequences of your actions.” Thorin said calmly and walked past them without another word. Fili turned to watch him disappear in the dark night before he turned to follow Kili inside.

They put everything into Fili’s room. Kili knew Fili wanted to stay to say goodbye to their mother, but somehow Kili knew if they did he might change his mind. And there was no way they could stay now. Fili had made the decision for both of them and Kili was determined to keep reminding him of that, making sure neither of them gave up all of a sudden.

Fili stopped long enough to write a short goodbye letter to their mother before they took their bags and headed to the harbor. They would wait until the sun set, neither of them in the mood for sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank to my beta's without whom this story would be impossible to read: hiddlespeare, dandelionpower and ceallaig!
> 
> Also please note that I will try to finish a chapter per month. My life is quite busy, so please be patient with me :)


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